Hillary Clinton Elected First Woman President of the United States

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Wednesday, November 9, 2016 

Hillary Clinton made history last night becoming the first Woman President of the United States of America, in an as-predicted electoral landslide over Donald Trump with. Clinton beat Trump 290-232 in the Electoral College. While Trump was able to capture the popular vote by a small fraction of about 1%, everyone knows, it is only the Electoral College vote that matters in US elections, as those were the rules when they each began their campaigns, and is outline very clearly in the US Constitution, thus giving the new Madame President a clear and decisive mandate.

Election newsrooms called the election when  when Florida was called in her favor. The announcement was made at 8:30 p.m. giving Americans an early opportunity to pour out onto the streets celebrating, singing and dancing until the wee hours of the night. Martha Raddatz was the lucky CNN anchor to be the first to joyously announce the news of our first female president, done so eloquently with tears in her eyes. Rachel Maddow was shown standing on her chair, whooping it up and mouthing the words F-Trump into the camera. Even her colleague, Chris Matthews said that he now felt a chill up his other leg (not the same one from Obama.) CNN has announced that they will actually, now be called the Clinton News Network, as they feel it more closely matches their “core values and beliefs.”

Donald Trump graciously stepped out in front of his supporters and gave a heartfelt concession speech, thanking them for all of their support throughout the grueling campaign. He told them that although the results were not what they had hoped, their movement would continue. They would continue to demand from the Republicans to stand up for conservative values and they would be held accountable. He voraciously told them to keep the faith, and focus on the next election in 2 years. But he also stated that Hillary was now their President and encourage all of his supporters to give her the respect and dignity that a woman who is not only a former First Lady, but also our new President-Elect deserves. While certainly not happy about the results, many of them with tears in their eyes, they answered with a resounding ovation, there were lots of hugs and they sang songs and prayed and clung tight to all of their newfound friends from the Trump movement. They resolved that they would be back the next election, but would ultimately and grudgingly accept Hillary Clinton as their new President, as they had to with Barrack Obama.

Hillary Clinton did not make an appearance on stage, however, last night, but in a prepared statement read by John Podesta, where she stated that she was thrilled to finally become the first female president, something she has dreamed of her entire life. The message stated that she would make an appearance at a later date as she would retire in private to begin work on her transition team, at an “undisclosed location.”

Congratulatory messages came in from some big names:

Barrack Obama: “I told Donald Trump he’d never be President” (at which time he dropped his phone)

Michelle Obama: “Yeah…whatever…just happy that sexist pig didn’t come into my home. I hope he dies.”

Vladimir Putin: “America, prepare to die!”

Abu Omar al-Baghdadi: “We are so happy to be working together for global destruction with the new President”

Bill Clinton: “Yeah, boy…who wants to be an intern, baby!!!”

Chelsea Clinton: “Whey-so glad that we can stop the Clinton Foundation investigation.”

Mark Cuban: “Nah nah nah nah nah…you suck Donald Trump…I told you would lose you moron”

Tim Kaine: “So excited to become the next President of the United States…well…very soon…”

Joe Biden: “Hey, Tim…can I be your Veep?”

Al Gore: “Thanks to my support, Hillary was able to win something that was stolen from me 16 years ago.”

Lena Dunam: “My internal female parts are swelling with euphoric pride at being womanly and naked and free.”

James Comey: “I actually had a chance to read the emails. They were all about yoga and weddings.”

Loretta Lynch: “We have issued a warrant for the arrest of Donald J. Trump for 3000 counts of fraud, tax evasion, sexual assault, rape and murder. He didn’t actually kill anyone, but we figured, why not?”

Bernie Sanders: “Yeah, whatever, get off my lawn!!!”

Enrique Peña Nieto: “Excuse me…I need to start building a wall.”

Justin Trudeau: “I am so happy to hear that Whoopie Goldberg, Barbara Streisand and all of the other Hollywood elite can now remain in the United States”

Anthony Weiner: “Carlos Danger is back in business, baby!!!”

Huma Abedin: “Allahu Akbar!!!”

Inside sources tell us that there will be plans in place for what is described as a Nationwide Super Bowl Style Tickertape Parade and celebration to be organized in every major city throughout the country. Performers who have now decided not to move to Canada will now be performing concerts. All schools, major roads and parks will now be named after Hillary Clinton. And it will now be considered “hate speech” and punishable with a $10,000 fine and up to 10 years in federal prison to utter the name Donald Trump (oops.)

Check back for further updates as the Clinton team begins their transition process and begins to name Hillary’s possible cabinet picks. (Psst…I’ve heard names like Beyonce, JayZ, Miley Cyrus, bandied about as well as several of the Mothers of the Movement and of courses, George Soros, as the new Secretary of State. (Hey, at least he’s not Romney, right?)

 

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